Weekend recap

There was a time in my life when my weekend recaps would have involved alcohol, socially unacceptable friends, and at least one use of the phrase “and so I woke up 12 hours later on the front lawn.”  I’m not saying I MISS those weekends but they are in stark contrast to weekends now.  Our primary goal on the weekends?  To leave the house at least once.  We feel a great sense of accomplishment when we manage to do this.  This weekend we actually managed to get out not only once, not twice,  but THREE times.  Friday night we had a fundraiser to go to for Harry’s school.  It was one of those “go eat at one of these restaraunts and they’lll donate 20% of the bill to the school” things so we went to Qdoba (a fresh mex place) and then to Walmart.  I’ve been looking for a better pair of headphones for running and spentmost of my weekend looking for something I liked.  Currently I have the pair of earphones that came with the iPod Nano which are great sounding headphones but only rest in the ear and tend to fall out when I’m running.  However, they have the advantage of being good quality and also allow about the right amount of external noise through so you can still hear traffic, sirens, ferocious dogs, lions, tigers, etc. while listening to music (did I mention I live near a zoo and have a constant fear of escaped lions and tigers?).  I have another pair of headphones that came with my laptop that are noise cancelling and have the advantage of awesome bass reproduction and fit tightly in the ear canal but don’t let any external sound in which is great for tuning out 2 year olds but not so great when you’re listening for the subtle sounds of a 600 lb. SIberian tiger waiting to pounce.  Damn those things are stealthy!  So basicallyI need something that is like the iPod headphones but attach to the ear.  You would think this would be an easy thing to find, and they are, but it’s another thing finding a pair for the price I want to pay.  Saturday we ventured out to BesBuy to spend a $25 gift card and scored Marilyn a slip cover for her iPhone which she desperately needed.

OMG I must interrupt my post.  My 8 year old just stopped by my chair, looked at my laptop, sighed, then said in a snarky tone “oh, Slackerpapa, why am I not surprised?”  WTF?!

Anyway.  Today we once again managed to skip church and instead slept in then went to the mall.  We finally found Harry a really rocking backpack at Childrens Place.  We hit Sam’s Club where we got a roasted chicken for dinner along with some other groceries and are currently chilling at home watching a movie.  I’m sure if I owuld have tried I probably could have worked ”and so I woke up 12 hours later on the front lawn” into this but that would probably mean I passed out mowing the lawn or something.  Maybe next weekend.

Give me 12 steps towards the door

My name is Kile and I’m an addict.  I may mentioned in a recent post that Marilyn won an iPhone and through a strange twist of fate one of these bad boys fell into my possession:

I’ve always heard people talk about their iPod’s and thought they were a little “off” (if you know what I mean) and would go on and on about their blessed iPod until I was like “why don’t you and your iPod get a freaking room already!”  I amnot ashamed to admit that I am now one of these people.  As soon as I touched it’s sleek aluminum and stainless steel body it instantly melded to my hand and I can barely set the thing down without going through withdrawal symptoms.  It even talks to me seductively.  In addition to the iPod I also purchased the Nike+ kit to go with it so now when I’m walking or running I only need to hit the shiny button and she speaks softly and sexily in my ear “Your total time is 22 minutes 34 seconds, total distance is 1 mile, your current pace is….”  (I always tune out the last portion since she always has a snarky tone to her voice when she talks about my pace).  They can have my iPod when they pry it from my cold dead fingers.  And like take the armband off my cold dead arm.  And take the earpieces out of my cold dead ears.  On second thought I doubt anyone would want to listen to an iPod pried from someone’s corpse so instead browse it to my “In Case Of Death Play This” playlist and slam the coffin shut.

p.s. I totally need to go create my “In Case Of Death Play This” playlist now just in case…

p.s.s. What kind of songs does one put on their “In Case Of Death Play This” playlist?  I’m thinking vast amounts of AC/DC and Fergie

p.s.s.s God HAS to love Fergie (I mean who doesn’t?) but I’m torn on the AC/DC issue.  Can you play “You Shook Me All Night Long” in heaven?  I suppose it depends on exactly WHO (whom?) shook you all night long and for what reasons?  Crap this is getting complicated.

Tuesday….umm Wednesday?…Smackdown…ish..or something

What the hell happened to Tuesday? And why the fuck was I the only on at work on Monday?

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

- Joe Lieberman - His slogan: “Big enough balls to switch parties but not big enough to switch to the party he actually supports!” Does anyone like this guy?

- WordPress - Thank you SO much for losing my Tuesday Smackdown post so I have to rewrite everything from here down. Bitch.

- Sarah Palin - Rather the controversy surrounding her pregnant 17 year old daughter. To both sides: I DON’T FUCKING CARE!! It’s such a non-issue and we should just move on to the next controversy.

- Tuesday - WTF?!

- Whole Foods - Damn you for making me want to shop at your store. Your delicious fruits, cheeses, and meatses make my mouth water. I can even set aside my righteous indignation of your other patrons (aka “Snooty Old Bitches”) just to step through your magical portal and breathe in your intoxicating scents.

Okay that’s enough (that’s what she said). Next week Tuesday Smackdown will be on time. Pinky swear.

Where’s my title bitches?!

Woot! A three day weekend after three WEEKS of hell (well let’s call it 4 after I call in sick on Tuesday) and what better way to kick it off than to pay off the loan on our van!! That’s right. Five years ago we drove old and busted down to Carson Dodge and purchased her off the lot, slightly used (7,000 miles) but still smelling like new. Why we call an inanimate object “her” is still is a mystery to me ut my wife assures me that “she” is. The thing may have gentilaia but I’ve always been afraid to look so I’ll take her word for it. Whatever. The old bitch is paid off and now I’m just waiting for the good folks at the credit union to send me the title.
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In other news we went to the Apple store the other night. And got hooked up!! Marilyn won a gift card to the Apple Store at BlogHer08 from the fabulous folks over at Smilebox for the purchaese of an iPhone and anything else she might want. She has been AGONIZING over this freaking iPhone for the better part of the last month because we are CheapSkates and we didin’t want to pay TWICE the price for an iPhone when her contract on her exisiting phone ended on August 31st and we could get a 50% discount off the price with a two year contract renewal. I love my wife but she has a tendency to get a “little” OCD about certain things and honest to God there have been many nights this past month I would have gladly paid 10 times the price for one of the damn things just for the pure pleasure of sticking it up her ass (mind out of the gutter sicko). Alas, this past Friday I decided to connect with AT&T and square away our plan to make sure we were iReady only to discover that they had upped the phone upgrade a few days and were suddenly elegible. Sweet! So Friday night when I got home I was all like “so are we gonna go get your IPhone or WHAT?” and she was all like “SQUEE!!” so off we headed to the Apple store. God bless that place. I can truly appreciate any store that combines cool gadgets with righteously indignanat, socially akward sales people and the Apple store once again delivered on both counts. Our sales lady Dania was wicked awesome. Just as we were walking through the door a large group of 12-13 year old girls were also clamoring to get inside (practically pushed us out of the way) and commenced with hogging all of the iMacs and taking digital pictures of themselves. Dania, myself and Marilyn, all being kindred souls, retreated to a corner to make our transaction and commenced being righteously indignant about the situation and vented our furstrations by trash talking them behind their back and casting disparaging glances in their general direction. Bitches. Anyway, I was stoked since we saved enough on the iPhone and had plenty left over for me to buy an iPod Nano. I also went ahead and forked out the dough for a Nike Plus kit. This kit basically consists of a sensor that you place in a running or walking shoe and a wireless receiver that attaches to your iPod turning your iPod into a training tool. We’ve spent the past 24 hours in iHeaven and have decided to give up Chrisitianity and start worshipping at the Apple store.

No rest for the wicked

I’ve decided I need a new system. Or something. I don’t know about any of you but I always do my best work when there’s not alot of commotion or noise which sucks for me since our home is nothing BUT commotion and noise these days. I kid you not that I have started no less than 3 posts the past few days that remain unfinished simply because I can’t finish them. It’s a rare moment in the evening that I can get a moment to think for myself let alone put our well-written or pithy posts (they are mutually exclusive after all so they have to be on the other!). What I SHOULD be doing is writing my posts at work on my lunch break but those have been mostly non-existent as well. Hopefully things will quiet down on one front or another soon so I can resume my goal of posting once per day and maybe I can even *gasp* put up some PICTURES. That would be sweet!

Tuesday Smackdown

Holy shit it’s Tuesday already? Must be time for smackdown! This week’s rondup of the truly despicable:

- Barack Obama - Thank you SO much for keeping us all on the edge our seats about your VP pick just so you could turn around and pick: Joe Fucking Biden?? After all that you went for the crusty old white guy!! December can’t GET here any sooner.

- John McCain - What the hell are you waiting for? Announce you’re crusty old white guy already!! Oh I’m sorry it’s supposed to be a “surprise.” Fuck, I wish it were December already.

- Russia - In regards to Georgia: Either fuck them properly or pull the fuck OUT! (that’s what she said)

- Cows - What are you a bunch of freaking monarch butterflies now with your ability to figure out which way is North? Next thing you know you’ll all sprout wings and fly over the countryside crapping on everything. You really freak me out.

- American Idol - Come on guys do you really think that adding a FOURTH judge is going to save that sinking ship? Here’s an idea: PRODUCE A FUCKING AMERICAN IDOL. The only people who succeed do so in SPITE of your show and can at least fall back on their righteous indignation.

- Replay in baseball - Waiting around for blue to review the tape will make THAT fucking game more exciting.

I’m sure in December I won’t have anything to complain about. Is it December yet?

Motorcycle accident 1986

The first thing I remember was everything being blurry.

I didn’t know it at the time but apparently after sliding across across the pavement and through the intersection I had hit my head on the curb. I peeled myself from the cold concrete of the gutter and panicked because I could only make out fuzzy details. After taking my helmet off I discovered that the impact of the crash had knocked my glasses off my face and up on top of my head inside my helmet. The glasses were bent but I was able to bend them back and put them on.

The first thing I noticed was a newspaper sitting next to a 10 speed bicycle that was badly mangled. The newspaper wasn’t crumpled but rather tented open like it had been dropped in a hurry. I looked up and saw my friend Jeff laying flat on his back in the intersection with a couple of guys bent over him telling him not to move because he may have injured his back. It was about then that the shock started setting in.

People talk alot about shock and how to treat it’s difficult to put into words what it really feels like. The best way I can describe it is “beyond fear.” Your body has reached and surpassed the fear threshold and has moved into a different realm where pure adrenaline seems to be pumping through your veins. There is no pain because your body and brain are too busy trying to assess the damage to feel any. It was then that the reality of what had just occurred started to sink in and my brain struggled desperately to figure it out.

Jeff and I had gone to see the movie “Spys Like Us” that night. Him and his mom were in town visiting and we decided to get out and do something fun instead of sitting at home. We hopped on my street bike and headed for downtown. I had never seen so many people out and about on an August night and I chalked it up to the price of gasoline that for some strange reason had dipped down to about $0.75 per gallon. After the movie let out the traffic was so heavy that we decided to parallel down main street and then cut over before heading back. The last thing I remembered was heading through the intersection of Main and Broadway and everything was black until I came to in the gutter.

Among the large number of people out enjoying the evening were 7-8 Emergency Medical Technicians who in that part of the country typically drove pickup trucks and were authorized to attach a single red flashing light to their vehicle in an emergency. In addition to the bicycle, newspaper, and my friend Jeff laying in the intersection were 7-8 of these pickup trucks with flashing red lights that were seemingly instantly on the scene taking care of Jeff, directing traffic, etc. They had parked in such a way to make a sort of half circle around the scene essentially blocking traffic in the northbound lanes so traffic was being diverted to one of the southbound lanes creating a bottleneck in both directions. A very short time after several police cars arrived on the scene which added even more lights and action to the scene. I stood standing for a few minutes observing all this while the shock slowly took over my body. The police were then talking to a woman who was crying hysterically next to an orange 70’s era Datsun car with the left front fender and front of the car heavily damaged. It was then my brain finally determined that the car must have hit my motorcycle and I let out a string of profanity that would have made a sailor blush. Some smart-ass in a truck stopped on the side street said something like “hey buddy just sit down and take it easy” but the shock had totally taken over at this point and I had very little control of my faculties. A woman and her teenage daughter were standing by Jeff and there was some conversation about if an ambulance should be called or not and it was decided that yes they shoudl call an ambulance for him.

Apparently nobody realized at first that the motorcycle had two riders especially since I was up and walking around. One of the EMT’s took a look at me and decided to come talk to me. He asked if I had been involved in the accident and I said yes I was the driver of the motorcycle. He noticed a small amount of blood on my pants. The ambulance came screaming up Main Street about this time so the EMT asked if I would step over the ambulance so he could examine my leg. They loaded my friend Jeff on a stretcher and had him in the ambulance before I walked over and stepped up in. The EMT asked me my name and started doing a standard assessment on me which I was familiar with since I had taken a course the previous year which covered standar assessments. He asked what I remembered about the accident and after telling him about being out and apparently hitting the curb he checked my head thoroughly and surmised that while there was no external damage that I needed to be monitored for internal damage. He also noted the deep abrasions on both arms and my back. He then inspected the small hole in my jeans and then became very concerned about the bleeding. They cut my pants leg up to the knee and there were several exclamations from others in the ambulance. I couldn’t see what they were seeing but they quickly immobilized my leg and put an air splint on. On the way to the hospital they asked me a standard series of questions every couple of minutes and monitored my pupils very carefully. I got so sick of amswering the questions and even argued with them about it on at least one occasion.

The memories of the wreck came to me at first in my dreams. Over the next several months my brain would conjure up the details of the accident and fill in the blanks. We had the green light when we entered the intersection. I saw the car driving somewhat erratically the other direction and saw it swerve over into the left turn lane. She never even paused to see if anything or anyone was coming through the intersection and took the corner nearly full speed at about 25-30 miles per hour. My brain processed the entire accident in slow motion and I remember clearly putting both of my hands on the hood of her car right before the impact. The impact was so hard and so sudden that we were instantly on the ground. I remember sliding through the intersection and turning over and over. The traffic light was in the process of changing from green to yellow to red as I was sliding and I remember noticing this. Where the pavement touched my bare skin it was cold and there was no thought of what it was doing to my flesh. Everything went balck for a few minutes then I woke up in the gutter.

The woman who hit me was on welfare and had no insurance on her vehicle. The police officers who arrived on scene assessed her and determined that she had been smoking marijuana and had a few drinks. She had also apparently just been in an argument and was emotionally upset.

The mangled fender of her car impaled my calf leaving a half dollar size puncture wound. Her bumper also impacted my calf just below the puncture. We were told to soak the leg several times a day in a warm bath and to let the wound heal from the inside out but the wound ended up getting infected anyway. Our source of water was well water and we found out a few months later that a water test from around the time of the accident showed a large amount of gram negative bacteria in the water which found my wounds a great place to incubate. Both wounds had to be debrided and we discovered that the puncture had actually penetrated deep into my leg and the fender had spread the two leg bones apart without breaking either one. I spent a week in the hospital in isolation and the doctor told me that if the infection spread to the deeper tissue they would have to amputate my leg. Luckily this wasn’t the case but the debridement had left a gaping hole in my leg that had to be skin grafted.

We received a copy of the accident report about a week later and the responding police officers had remarked how incredible it was that the car hadn’t just run over the top of us. They attributed this to the fact that the car sat low enough and hit us hard enough that it knocked us clear of the motorcycle. I attributed it to the fact that God didn’t want me quite yet.

Ahhhhh…babies

My poor wife is apparently coming down with a cold which means that by the end of the week everyone in the family will either a) have it, or b) be rcovering from it. Our conversation about this on IM today:

Marilyn:  ugh, and here it comes.  the cold descends upon me.
me: awww poor sweetie. you feeling poorly?
Marilyn: yes…and i’m giving it to YOU next
me: oh noes!!
Marilyn: (except i’m sure somehow this will only cause ME more trouble somehow)
me: I’m not too worried….you’d actually have to like kiss me and stuff to spread it
Marilyn: oh, OUCH
me: and I don’t think the little prude sleeping between us will allow it

I’m not sure what she meant by the smart-ass comment about it causing HER more trouble. I’m not the type of guy to lay around and expect my wife to take care of me when I’m sick. Which is probably a good thing. Just saying.

Tuesday Smackdown

This weeks roundup of the truly despicable:

China’s Olympic Gymnastic Team - You seriously expect me to believe that any of those girls are older than 10?!  Most of them haven’t even gone though PUBERTY yet but there you are parading them around like 16 year olds.  It seems like the more China TRIES to impress th word the more they FAIL.  But then again communist countries have to do SOMETHING to cover up the rampant poverty and human rights abuses even if that means manipulating children.  Disgusting!

- While we’re on the subject lets talk about gymnastics scoring - WTF?!  The new system was supposed to eliminate judging bias but it seems like it just justifies it.  Why don;t they just start over from scratch and be done with it!

- John McCain AND Barack Obama - Are you morons gonna pick running mates or WHAT?  Oh I get it!  McCain doesn’t want to pick a running mate because he’s waiting to see if McCain picks a woman because HE wants to pick a woman and if they both pick women there’s no issue.  But if McCain picks a crusty old white guy then Obama ALSO needs to pick a crusty old white guy otherwise he’s hanging his ass in the wind with too many minorities on a ticket.  McCain is waiting to see if Obama has the balls to run a woman for VP because then he’ll pick a crusty old white guy.  But if Obama picks a crusty old white guy them maybe he should pick a hispanic or black guy to make the ticket more diverse.  OH MY DEAR GOD IVE GONE BLIND!!!  Just pick a VP already you pusses so we can decide which moron we want to vote for!

- My wife and older boy - I told them they were going on my Tuesday Smackdown and my darling wife says “don’t make it sound like I beat him or anything!”  FIne. I promose not to do that as long as you both agree you will TRY not to PISS EACH OTHER OFF on a daily basis.  I swear theire personalities are perfectly tuned to pick at each other and find the ONE thing that they KNOW will piss the other off.  Heaven forbid anything should ever happen to me because they’ll never make it.  (in all seriousness my wife would never harm our children….physically.  Have you seen the title of her blog?)

It’s a lttle late this week but you can bite me.

p.s. Did I mention how much I STRONGLY DISLIKE Michael Phelps and his 4,000 condoms?  Prick.

I blame Michael Phelps

I’m here tonight to explain my recent absence from my blog and to fully vet the reasons for said absence.  I can tell by your chilly silence that you are still mad at me so let me explain (listen up because this is for both of you).  Several events have transpired this past week to occupy my time and created a perfect storm of inactivity.  I’d like to blame the heavy workload as we approach a critical time of year at work.  I’d like to blame my recent subscription renewal to Runescape for sucking my time.  I’d like to blame my recent return to “long distance” running if you can call wheezing and crawling around the block running.  Did I mention I used to be a long distance runner?  I’ll leave you guessing at that one until I’m good and ready to talk about it.  However, if I’m to be truthful I have to place the blame on the one person who has sucked my time more than anything this past week:  That god-damned Michael Phelps! 

My wife turned to me the other night as we watched Michael Phelps win his 8th gold medal:

Marilyn:  That Michael Phelps is getting alot of ass in Bejing
me:  That nerd?  You really think he’d getting alot of ass with those ears and that goofy face?
Marilyn:  Did you know they’ve used like 100,000 condoms at the Olympics already?
me: *blink blink*
Marilyn:  And that’s for like 4,000 athletes!
me:  You do know athletes at the Olympics don’t have sex right?
Marilyn:  Why?
me:  Because sex takes exertion and Olympic athletes aren’t going to expend that energy on sex
Marilyn: *stunned silence*
me: Besides their so over-scheduled they don’t have time for sex

What I also wanted to say for fear of jeopardizing MY chances for ass was a quote from Michael Phelps himself:  “I’m actually pretty lazy.  When I’m not swimming I just like to lay on the couch and play video games.”  Do you know what that means?  It means that in 10 years Michael Phelps will not only be a goofy looking nerd but he’ll also be a FAT goofy looking nerd.  What really chaps my ass is that he’ll STILL be getting more ass than I could ever imagine.  That god-damned Michael Phelps!